Monday, December 18, 2006

A Born Smartass And We Couldn't Be More Proud

Lisa: Huh?
Liz: Uh huh.
Lisa: What?
Liz: Okay!
Lisa: What did you say?
Liz: Uh huh.
Lisa: Wait, I mean I didn't hear the first thing you said.
Liz: Seven.
Lisa: WHAT???
Liz: Purple.
Lisa: Ohhhhh... I get it! You're messing with me.
Liz: 42.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Sisterly Love: Part #498

"I loth you."

"You what?"

"I loathe you."


"It means I hate you. I'm trying to expand my vocabulary and thanks to my language arts teacher... I loathe you."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Wherein I Lose Patience And Go Off On A Wild Monkey Tangent

Em: You have to give me $3 for lunch. My account is empty and I already owe $6.

Lisa: I added $50 to your account yesterday morning. It's fine.

Em: No! No, it isn't fine! I already owe $6!

Lisa: Honey, the $6 debt will be paid out of the $50 I put in. It's fine.

Em: But you did it yesterday! I won't have any lunch today! Or tomorrow!

Lisa: Yes, you will. I added $50; you have plenty of lunch money.

Em: No! You don't understaaaaaaaand! It takes three days for them to add it in!

Lisa: I did it on the computer. It's fine.

Em: No! I'm telling you! It takes THREE DAYS for them to add it in!

Lisa: Emily. The system is computerized. It does not take three days.


Lisa: Emily, there is no point in having the system be computerized if it still takes three days.


Lisa: [end of patience] I'll call the school and find out for sure, okay? But three days? Monkeys could do it faster!

Em: Tree monkeys?

Lisa: Those quick little ones with the tiny hands? Sure. Yes! Tree monkeys could do it faster. Big, slow, old, retired monkeys could do it faster. Gorillas, orangutans, and chimpanzees. They could do it faster. Blind monkeys. Any kind of monkeys, they could all do it faster than three days.

Em: No, I said trained monkeys. Could trained monkeys do it faster?

Lisa: Yes! Definitely. Asleep monkeys could still do it faster.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Sunday: Post Secret Day

Every Sunday, my little ritual (well, one of them, right after thanking sweet baby Jesus for everything good in my life) is to check out the secrets newly posted on Post Secret. Do you freakin' know about this? NO? Go. There. Now. You must!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Bright Side

Em: Ohhhh.... Uggggh.... It huuuurts.

Lisa: I know, honey. The medicine hasn't kicked in yet.

Em: I'm looking forward to the next half hour of moaning and groaning.

Lisa: Looking forward to it?

Em: Yep. It's the highlight of my day.

Pro-Choice On Delilah

From the latest Rolling Stone magazine, Tracy Morgan has a theory that there are two kinds of women in the world: Delilahs and not-Delilahs, women that give you strength and that take your strength.

This of course got me thinking about which type I am. Answer: I can go either way. It really comes down to what mood I'm in and how many ignorant/insulting/insensitive/invalidating things he's said lately.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Honestly, If You Knew What Was Going On Around Here And How Busy I Am Hand-holding, You'd Be Less Upset About Infrequent Posts.

Twenty more fascinating facts about me:

21. If I changed my first name, I'd change it to Sallie. Or Charlotte. Or Isabel.

22. I own only one pair of high heels, in red silk.

23. I knew I was going to marry Ken the first time I met him.

24. My favorite animal is the giant tortoise.

25. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, reptiles, rodents, snakes, or other creepy crawly-types. (but my husband is, so it works out.)

26. Sometimes I create character amalgams for my blog. Like HND, for example. He's a character based on 6 neighborhood guys I found very attractive, but also not. It turns out they are just really good dads, a trait I find attractive.*

27. I meditate every day, for about 20 minutes.

28. I read somewhere years ago that Bill Cosby's kid's names all begin with the letter E, for excellence. I really liked that idea & named my kids Elisabeth and Emily.

29. I do not have a sordid past. I'm neither proud of that fact nor do I regret it.

30. My feet are completely flat and always have been.

31. I only have 24 teeth, having lost many in bar fights. That last part is a lie.

32. I often apologize, but usually it's to make myself feel better, not the other person. But if the other person thinks it's for them, then that's nice too.

33. I knew I would be bff with Amber the first time I met her.

34. I knew I'd be bff with Joannie the first time I met her, too.

35. I raced quarter midget race cars for 8 years when I was a kid.

36. I've only recently learned to trust my own intuition. It has never failed me and the more I listen to it, the more it has to say.

37. I have tended to "hang in there" far too long with bad situations, bad friendships, bad jobs, etc. hoping things would get better. Now I'm learning it's better to know when to walk away, and then do it.

38. I love getting older and wiser, especially the wiser part.

39. I was a very neat & tidy child. As an adult I'm much more relaxed and like to say "I keep house casually."

40. I prefer to either buy books or speed-read them at the bookstore as I find libraries very depressing.

* None of the 6 HND inspirations live on Richmond Ct. or read this blog. That is not to say you aren't a lovely person and/or a very good father.