The other day I was looking at Ken and not really listening, but I was making an effort to pretend I was. I looked like I was listening, and I often find that is plenty good enough for certain situations, especially when one is still reeling from learning 16 years into it that she has accidentally married a Constant Talker. I seriously had no idea about that. None. But anyway, he was saying something or another, no one really knows for sure, and I thought dang, Ken is kinda cute. It must be the shirt. He always looks good in blue... No, it's the brown leather shoes I've finally gotten him to wear with jeans instead of his dorky white tennies... and then it hit me! No. He's thinner. So I said "Honey, that's fascinating, whatever you were talking about... But have you lost some weight?" As Ken is the singularly least vain man on the planet besides my dad who probably still mows his grass in black dress socks and Bermuda shorts, Ken shrugged and said "I dunno" and continued on with his story, proof positive his values remain unchanged.
A day later Ken had lunch with the hands-down, most genuinely fabulous creature either one of us knows, a former co-worker of his named Marta. She is simply divine, darling. I was a bit suspicious he had a little crush on her until I met her myself, saw what all the fuss was about, and joined him. She's that good. So anyway, he had lunch with Marta and another woman whose name I can't recall but I'm sure she's just delightful in her own special way. When he got home he said he wasn't sure, maybe it was Marta, but someone else had also commented that he looked like he'd lost some weight. The next morning he got on the scale and you totally know where this is going don't you? He'd lost 10 pounds! Without trying, simply by living with me and sort of but not really doing my healthy steamed veggies and lean protein diet along with me, he accidentally lost TEN FRIGGING POUNDS, in spite of himself, in spite of the fact that he also still eats Tater Tots and Hamburger Helper and calls it Food.
I'm still sorting all of this out. On the plus side, I have a thinner husband I find more attractive than before, so that's good. Also, he's healthier, yadda yadda blah blah... He's smart or mature enough to know better than to brag about his weight loss, so that's good as it means we can continue to be married. On the down side, he only got on the scale after the fabulous Marta said something, not me. Although... he really wasn't sure if it was indeed she who had commented... I suppose I could take the high road and just be happy for him.
Or I could take the low road and rub it in to my former diet contest competitor, a man who had to work very hard to lose weight and has recently pissed me off so much he kind of deserves to know Ken's Oblivious Diet has seemingly removed all ten pounds from his tummy area. And we both know if Ken should even think about sit-ups or crunches (although I'm not sure how he could since he doesn't know what crunches are unless Fritos are involved) he's going to have those Matt Lauer abs someone else so desperately wants.