Thursday, November 30, 2006

Day 30: No Mo NaBloPoMo!

This is it, the last day of NaBloPoMo! I have to admit, I kind of liked doing it. I felt like I had to, like I owed it to M. Kennedy and everyone else sweating it out, doing their daily blogging. Did I mention when I started this there would be prizes? Oh, yes! Fabulous prizes! There are about 9000 bloggers and something like 28 prizes, but fingers crossed y'all! I could win something!

When I made a commitment to daily blogging, I also made a list of ideas, possible topics, other things I could do, etc. I even bought a book of 100 suggestions for what to write about on a blog, although I never actually resorted to using it. The one thing I'd planned but didn't get around to writing about was HND, the Hot Neighborhood Dad. Or, as a miscreant friend of mine refers to him as, FILF. I think to celebrate the end of this month, it's high time I tell you who he is. So I will. Tomorrow, December 1st, when I start Holidailies, the December-into-January version of what I just finished doing. Because it never ends.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Day 29: The Key To A Long & Happy Marriage Is Good Communication or Uh Oh, When Did We Become My Grandparents?

Lisa: I'm not sure about hanging these pictures... I think I need to cut out templates and arrange them on paper first.
Ken: So that woman, Carol, you think I should call her back again?
Lisa: First I need more coffee. Did you finish it or is there some left?
Ken: I left her a message yesterday & she's been good about returning calls. Maybe I'll wait until this afternoon.
Lisa: I'm used to half regular/half decaf now, but I think I need to make a bigger pot since I can drink more.
Ken: Oh, and Tom too. Nah, I'll give him until this afternoon also.
Lisa: No, I guess I want to drink more, since I know I can. And I just like holding the warm cup.
Ken: Okay. I need something to do to keep me busy until then.
Lisa: I think I'll make more coffee and then do the pictures.
Ken: I'm going downstairs.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Day 28: If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places.*


My closest match at My Heritage Celebrity Look-Alikes was.... Kate Bush! I'm quite pleased with the results as I adore her beautiful music and she wears leaves in her hair, which is always fetching. So hurry along now to see which eccentric English person should play you when they finally get wise and make the movie.

* Oh, relax! It's just a song lyric. I don't really want to swap with Kate and live out on some haunted moors. On the other hand, I bet it's very quiet there...

Monday, November 27, 2006

Day 27: Guess Who?

"The back of my Lego catalog has a Christmas Wish List I can fill out. But the instructions say to give it to my parents. Why would I do that? Why wouldn't I give it to my wife and kids?"

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Day 26: Sisterly Love

Overheard today, Sunday, the Lord's day:

"Emily! Do you want me to step on your ankle?"

(italics indicate beyotch-type inflection)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Day 25: Sew Busy Today

I did some sewing today! Actually, I did a lot of sewing today. I love to sew, but only my own creations and in manic bursts. For readers already getting bored, please go here and enjoy smacking the beejeezus out of a penguin. Everyone still interested in my projects, let's go!

First up, I finally finished making some cute little curtains for the lower part of my office's built-in bookshelves. Now I can hide all my sewing stuff and porn.
Next is the cozy winterization of this table in our living room. It looks fine like this in the summertime, but seems chilly in the winter. I'd already made a nice little Ballard-esque burlap tablecloth, but today I decided to create a topper out of an old paisley shawL.
This was the hardest part, cutting into the shawL. (rotating the picture also didn't go so well) Liz and I spent a lot of time scrutinizing it, and finally decided on the best method to leave the most useable remains. I should be able to get a runner (or something else long and skinny) and a small pillow out of the scraps. There was, however, a small wasted piece, probably due to too-obsessive measuring. But Amber talked me through it and we agreed there's just no use in crying over spilt paisley.
The final product! I'm so pleased with how it turned out. It actually looks better in person than in the photo where it appears slightly droopy... But anyway! Pottery Barn is selling the same thing, except mine is the genuine real deal and cost a whole lot less. Ha! I win!
Lastly, I also decided to finally tackle the Belgian tapestry situation. I bought this piece a long time ago, planning to make a wall hanging for my previous house. Alas, there were some flaws (ink and some cuts) that drove me crazy every time I looked at them. So I cut all the flaws out and made a pillow! Ta-da! And I used up some of my vintage buttons holding it closed so I could also preserve the furry little edge detail. For bonus points, I stuffed it with another old pillow instead of buying a new one, something which pleases my frugal husband no end.

I hope you enjoyed my sewing project photo blog post. I'll know when I get up tomorrow if the manic sewing frenzy has passed. I kind of think it'll still be going on, though. You know what that means? Since I finally finished these projects, I can start a new one!

Friday, November 24, 2006

Day 24: Early Bird Shopping?

Ah, tradition! At yesterday's turkey feast, as expected, I was asked four times by three different people (some paying more attention to answers than others) if I'd be getting up bright and early today to hit the big sales and start on my Christmas shopping. "The stores open at five, you know." As if this were an incentive.

First of all, I resent the implication that I might not have already begun Giftmas shopping. I believe it "counts" if one of Ken's birthday gifts I'd forgotten to give him was re-assigned as Christmas, does it not? The picture above is more my reality, although with the addition of a dog begging for my one cookie (behind the teacup; you can't see it) and a certain child repeatedly requesting a ride somewhere. Furthermore, the Friday after Thanksgiving kicks off another tradition in our family: Mommy procrastinating putting up the tree.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Day 22: Since He's All Carly Simon-ish And Thinks This Blog Is About Him Anyway...

I don't have my Thanksgiving gratitude list finished up yet, so while I work on that, please enjoy a picture of Ken in his super sexy, he-man kitty cat sweater. I think my mom bought it for him because she lurves buying Kenny Dr. Huxtable sweaters. Do you see the kitties? Look closely, because once you do, that's all you will see.
How about now? Mesmerizing, isn't it? Kitty. Kitty. Kitty. Kitty...



Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Day 21: Cooking Tip

Please learn from my mistake and do not attempt to use up leftover multi-colored baby potatoes by mashing them and calling the lavender results Confetti 'Taters. It does not work. No one will eat them except you. Well, the dog might... she did seem interested... maybe because she's color blind? Or maybe because I kept adding cream and butter to "make them taste better so no one would notice how they look?"

Here's the most important part: Do not then proceed to eat most of the Confetti 'Taters yourself because:

1. You feel sorry for them. They are just potatoes for crying out loud! They don't know from rejection.

2. They are FULL of fat and calories because you added so much extra cream and butter. And garlic. All of which only makes them extra delicious, but I digress.

3. You will feel awful after eating too much multi-colored mashed-up 'tato. I mean it, really awful. You will moan and maybe cry just a little and complain to anyone who will listen. There will be some sympathy, yes, but will it matter? Will it help? No. You'll then hint about taking your pants off for survival and naive people will think you are kidding. Either way, you will suffer.

Take my advice and follow our family's traditional leftover processing procedure. Allow the potatoes to temper in the back of the refrigerator for the standard 2-3 months and then throw them out, for pity's sake. Out! Out! Damned spuds!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Day 20: The Second 10 Things About Me

11. I (try to) always have fresh flowers in my house.

12. I've only had truly long hair once in my life and couldn't deal with it.

13. I was born with a congenital hip displacement. I had surgery and wore a brace as a baby and now I'm strangely flexible.

14. I had Ritter's Disease, a rare staph infection when I was in kindergarten. I was hospitalized for 11 days, part of it in quarantine. All of my skin fell off and it was very painful.

15. I had my tonsils surgically removed while I was in 2nd grade. I was bitterly disappointed that no one told me it was going to hurt so much and that I wouldn't be able to eat, much less want, all that ice cream they'd been promising me.

16. I won a school-wide writing contest when I was in 5th grade. I came in 2nd in 6th grade.

17. My tastes keep changing so I feel it's only fair to give foods I think I don't like second chances. I now enjoy: green beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, artichokes, asparagus, olives, papaya, dark chocolate, etc. And I still hate pizza.

18. I have an excellent internal clock while sleeping and can usually will myself to wake up whenever I want to. The key is I have to want to.

19. I have a terrible internal clock while awake. I'm a very poor estimator of elapsed time, how long a task will require, drive times, etc.

20. I wear perfume and lipstick every day.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Day 19: Pendulum Class For Beginners

On Sunday I took Lizzie with me to Crazy Wisdom, a local bookstore & tea room we adore, for a beginner's pendulum class. I'm always interested in any kind of new woo-woo thing anyway, and Ken seems to be getting a little too comfortable lately with some of my "out there"-ness. I figured it was time to shake him up a bit, since I rely heavily on Ken to provide me with the counter-balancing Logic and Critical Thinking I so desperately need.

As it turns out, pendulum-ing isn't for me. I don't have the time or patience for tools like this, but Liz does. She really took to the whole thing and is using her pendulum for both fun and profit now. Kidding! She's just using it for all of her decision making. Also kidding! No, no... Liz knows a pendulum is simply an extension of herself and is to be used for fun and occasional guidance of the my, how interesting variety only. She also has promised to not cast spells with it inside the house.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Day 18: My First Bloggy Story Told In Pictues

On Saturday, our friend Bill came to town for a visit, along with his friend Jen. It was a typically chilly November day in Michigan, but he'd forgotten to bring a jacket. He was making everyone terribly uncomfortable in his short sleeves, so after lunch at Gratzi, we went shopping. For the first time ever, after having lived here for almost 20 years, we went into Sam's on Liberty and Bill tried on this U of M jacket.
He also tried some of these much pricier options at Renaissance on Main. I am rather fond of how this photo turned out and have thus included it even though it sort of goofs up the narrative.

But no, the options really were better at Sam's, as Jen demonstrates here. Only $24.95 for Colombia fleece! While Bill & Jen tried things on and Ken took pictures, I had a fun little chat with the guys behind the counter about college girls with their visible thong panties and sweat pants with words emblazoned across the ass. We are both tired of them.



This is the jacket Bill finally went with. Then we visited The Cube so he could spin it and I could worry about him getting clobbered by it and Jen could see how we like to party in Ann Arbor. Oh, what a day!


After all of that, it was time for me to have a little sit down and reflect over a cup of tea, apricot with honey, my favorite. It was a fun little visit with lovely friends. Y'all come back soon!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Day 17: Happy Birthday, Ken!!!



Here's my adorable little husband when he was about five or so, sitting with his sister, Kathy. She's the nicest big sister in the whole wide world, way nicer than me. I tortured my sister on occasion, but only for fun. On closer inspection, it does appear she's giving li'l Kenny the finger here... so maybe she's got that big sister vibe going after all. Makes me feel better, anyway!

Ken had a lovely birthday, very low-key, just the way he likes it. He got a few presents, three to be exact, and two of those were Legos. I also took him on a wild shopping spree in Target, where he picked out silky long john pants (like mine) and a pair of gloves he calls "driving gloves." It's his birthday, so we let him. We also went out for dinner with his parents and had a nice visit with them. And for a special happy birthday bonus, I agreed with everything he said all day long, no matter what. It damn near killed me and he enjoyed that part too.

Happy Birthday, Honey!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Day 16: Simple Thanks

Williams-Sonoma, a store & livestyle I love dearly albeit rather shallowly since it is a love based mostly on W-S's beauty, sent me a guide to simplifying Thanksgiving. This is much like when Martha S., as she's referred to at her special meetings, makes suggestions for how to "simplify" something.

The guide includes tips for Favorite Thanksgiving Menu, a Thanksgiving Timeline, Table Setting Ideas, Thanksgiving Equipment Checklist, Choosing the Thanksgiving Wine, Roasting the Turkey, Testing the Turkey for Doneness, Carving the Turkey, etc. I'm exhausted and so far we've only talked about the turkey! There's nothing about the sweetie potato pie or the proper opening sequence/timing of the ritual can o' cranberry gelatinous mass shaped like a can that my sister more accurately refers to as "Red" as in "Please pass me some of the Red."

Thank you, Williams-Sonoma. You've made my decision to be a charming and delightful guest at my in-law's again this year a simple one.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Day 15: Druid Cookies

Today, the 15th of November, marks the half-way point of this year's NaBloPoMo. I realize I've slipped, but seriously, I really have a good excuse this time. See, my dog ate my post and... That's not true. My dog no longer comes upstairs to my office where the fresh blog posts are kept. She is wary of the stairs now, with her slightly stiff and unsteady elderly dog bearing. Shelby is only willing to risk traversing the stairs if there's something more scary going on down below, like Emily in one of her high-volume Drama Moments. In that case, Shelby is willing to shoot up the stairs to seek out safety and comfort under my legs, much the same as so many others have sought before her.

But I digress. I was really going to write about something much more important, namely, cookies. I believe it is only right to share The Good News when I find something as wonderful as these new cookies. Further, to keep something this good to yourself would be the most disgusting form of selfishness, unless of course it is the dinner hour and you are approaching my front door with rapture in your heart from having recently discovered Jesus Christ as your personal savior. In that case, and as we have discussed, my neighbors really could benefit a lot more than I, from hearing at great length all about this particular version of The Good Word. Conveniently they live right across the court, in the beige house, the ones with the obnoxious narcissistic son who will gladly run you over with his shiny car. Normally I wouldn't send anyone over there, but I figure it's probably okay in this case as you'd appreciate it, being called Home that much sooner. Ahhhhh. We all win.

What the hell was I saying? Oh, yes. The cookies! They are Trader Joe's own store brand of oatmeal raisin cookies, called Druid Circles. (And yes, Ken, I bought them for the name.) (I am the first to admit I'm a total whore for good packaging.) Druid Circles do not, as far as I can tell, have anything at all to do with Pagan worship. I know. I was disappointed in that part, too. But! They are the perfect size to be quite satisfying to have just one with a nice cup of tea. They are just the right amount of chewiness without being too soft. They have the ideal oatmeal to raisin ratio. Everyone loves them! Myself, my kids, and all of their grubby little friends who hang around my kitchen eating everything not nailed down or hidden in a locked drawer, they like them too. Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Day 14: Mediate?

My head very helpfully provides me with background music much of the time. Often I ignore it, but sometimes it's really loud and apparent. Usually when this happens there is a message, coming from my own subconscious, I suppose. Well, I hope that's where it's coming from. It's either that or I need to start wearing my tinfoil hat again... Anyway, today's song comes courtesy of the fine gentlemen of INXS, from the song Mediate, with special emphasis on the following lyrics. I decided to share this with you in case you can figure out what the hell the message is because this time I'm really stumped. I also might mention that I haven't heard this song in months, so it's not just that Ken.

Mediate

A heavy weight
Or just too late
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate
Appreciate
Depreciate
Fabricate
Emulate
The truth dilate
Special date
The animal we ate
Guilt debate
The edge serrate
A better rate
The youth irate
Deliberate
Try not to hate

Okay. That's it. I've got it. Try not to hate. I've been thinking about this lately, how not to hate those people that I, um, you know... hate. Never mind. Thanks for your time!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Day 13: Charmed

This morning I came around the corner, into the frozen food aisle at Trader Joe's, already having a bad day. Things started looking up immediately, as soon as I saw him, standing there beside his cart. He was gorgeous. He had ruffled blond hair and the most beautiful, dark souful eyes I've ever seen. He had on cute little cargo pants and a bright yellow rain slicker. His hands were folded neatly in front of him as he quietly surveyed the frozen food aisle situation.

He was exactly the kind I always find wildly attractive. I wanted to stare at him openly for the next 20 minutes or so, just to drink in every adorable inch of him. But that seemed rude; too forward. I allowed myself to steal only quick glances in his direction and timidly offered him a few small, friendly smiles. He obviously found me equally fascinating, such was the way his eyes brazenly followed me the entire time I pretended to peruse the frozen pies and cakes.

Finally I had dawdled long enough and I had to move further down the aisle. As I approached, keenly aware of him already, he did the most unexpected thing. He took one step neatly backwards, closer to his mother's cart, and bent fully at the waist while gesturing broadly with one outstretched palm in the universally recognized "after you, m'lady" gesture. I'd never seen a three year old do that before and was utterly charmed by him as I passed by and mouthed a silent "thank you."

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Day 12: From My Husband's Email

Like most people involved in trusting, stable love relationships that are totally going to make it long-term, I obsessively snoop around in my husband's computer every chance I get, searching for any suspicious looking email correspondence. Oh? You think that's silly? Insecure? Oh, really now? Like you've never done it?! And! The other day? I found this:

From: "Nata"
To: Ken
Subject: for

Hi

I was looking for jobs on the internet and came across your profile on careerbuilder and thought I would contact you since I don't have anyone else in the USA. I will be coming to the USA in about 2 weeks and would like to make friends with you. I will let you know more information about myself and I will reply back to you with some of my pictures. If you agree then message me back, I'll be waiting. Hope you don't mind. Don't reply back to this email. Make sure you message me to my personal email address (hussy put her personal email address here) only, since I am using public email to send you this message.

by the way, I am a girl and people say I am good looking

Lots of kisses!

Hopefully your new girl friend

Holy Freakin' Heaven! How'd I Forget Day Eleven???

My Saturday.

1. Get up; drink coffee husband has made; lavishly praise husband for having done so; read newspaper; eat healthy bowl of twigs & pebbles.
2. Say good morning via online IM chat to Amber and coordinated respective days' activities. (smiley)
3. Discuss with husband relative benefits of taking shower before/after attending redneck estate auction at end of street; decide against it.
4. Walk to house hosting auction; mingle amongst 150 men in Carhartt jumpsuits browsing for ammo.
5. Locate house's library and happily peruse books while mulling one's own life, meaning & duration of one's own life and one's feelings about one's own children someday hosting similar auction of one's own belongings.
6. Laugh out loud as Carhartt man searching for bathroom enters room and says, "Nope. Libary." (giggling smiley)
7. Go outside, inspect snack wagon parked in driveway; muse upon possibility/difficulty of arranging for it to be parked there all the time for easy access to burritos, sloppy joes, walking tacos and bad coffee.
8. Return home with husband; discuss lovely dining table set from auction and possible inclusion in home. Dismiss idea for lack of husband's imagination/interest; reluctantly admit to self he's probably right. (eye rolling smiley)
9. Chat with Amber; inform her of dining set that got away & wish her well at yoga teacher training class.
10. Shower.
11. Blow dry hair; fret about resultant state of 'do. (frustrated smiley)
12. Check on older daughter; find her still sleeping. Attempt to locate younger daughter; give up; leave house anyway.
13. Drive to Canton with husband; watch movie. [Stranger Than Fiction, 2 thumbs up]
14. Leave theater; drive around Canton looking for/discussing possible dinner options.
15. Accidentally locate a Lovers' Lane store. (big grin smiley)
16. Enter store... wander around... become confused... worried... meet charming salesgirl... have all questions answered. Make intelligent, informed purchases; happily leave store. (blushing smiley)
17. Stop for quick dinner at Arby's; page through complimentary LL catalog with husband.
18. Return home; fib to children about being very tired from long day; go upstairs.
19. Quickly check messages & leave message for Amber about movie & shopping trip.
20. Retire for evening; completely forget one has blog post to write. (winking smiley)

Friday, November 10, 2006

Day 10: Homework Help

Em: Who's a musician who does their own music?
Lisa: Like someone who writes their own?
Em: Yeah. Writes their own songs and music, and doesn't do other people's songs.
Lisa: The Beatles.
Em: No. I need someone who's made more songs.
Lisa: They made a lot of songs.
Em: Well, someone newer then.
Lisa: How about Norah Jones?
Em: I don't think so.
Lisa: What is this for?
Em: I have to do a report on a musician who writes their own music. It's due the 28th or the 29th and I want to be more responsible and do my work ahead of time.
Lisa: Whaaa.... Wow! That's great, honey. That is fantastic you want to take more responsibility for your work! I love that.
Em: Yep. And if I type it, I only have to do three pages intead of four writing it by hand. I want to get started, but who can I do it on?
Lisa: Norah Jones might be good. She's young, you know her music, there won't be tons of information on her...
Em: Mr. Willis might not know who she is. I think it would be better if he knows who it is.
Lisa: Trust me. He would know the Beatles.
Em: No, he's old.
Lisa: How old?
Em: Well, I don't know, but he's not young. He's old I think. He's bald. Not like shaved; he's "real" bald.
Lisa: Oh...
Em: Yes. He knows who Fleetwood Mac is.
Lisa: Ah. Yes. I see. He is old.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Day 9: Phoning It In


I'm so tired. Just... tired. This blog has had more technical problems than the proverbially uncomfortable whore in church. The metaphor, it doesn't work, see? Just like my blog.
I'm going to bed. But first, a picture of Emily taken today, in Spanish class, at school, by her father, who attended Take Your Parent To School Day (the one who doesn't know enough to be really busy and is thus unable to attend) and instead of paying attention and maybe learning something, spent most of his time sending me naughty text messages and pictures taken from his phone.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

DAY EIGHT!!!


These are the beautiful flowers Blogger sent me, in my imagination, to make up for the "significant number of unplanned outages this last week and the handful of planned ones to clean up from the unplanned ones. It’s been a Murphyesque cavalcade of power failures, fileserver trouble, and wonky network hardware."
There was a card attached. It said "Our apologies. We really regret these outages, which were a nuisance (or worse) to you. The past week’s performance was not representative of the kind of service we want to provide for you." And then Blogger went on with some other stuff about how they plan to prevent it from happening again, blah blah blah...

The flowers are gorgeous. I accept your apology, Blogger. Now don't let it happen again.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Day 7: Answers To Yesterday's Questions or Finally Got The Goddamned Photo Uploader Working



1. Yes. If it's on a cruise ship with my sister Allyson and our very loud & fun dinner companions Rhonda and the other Rhonda playing Roulette and drinking tiny pink cruise-ship Cosmos. (I learned rather quickly after taking this photo it's considered very poor form/illegal to take photos in a casino. Who knew?)

2. Leftover roast beef.

3. About two years ago, while taking an Intuitive Heart meditation class. We'd just finished meditating and were about to begin a writing exercise when the teacher, Diane, said "Lisa, I have no idea how you feel about this kind of thing, but there is a spirit here, and she really wants to talk to you. She says she's your Granny and she's very persistent." We then proceeded to do the writing exercise with me allowing my Granny to write her message through my hand on the paper. And boy, it certainly was her! She had a lot to say and it included things like "Keep Grandpa away from those cotton-pickin' stairs!"

4. Yes. I also tricked him into taking me to the A2 Art Fair between dates #2 and #3, but he still couldn't get the hint. Dating geeks can be... challenging. But with patience and plenty of positive reinforcement, you will find them to be highly trainable & loyal companions. They will also program all of the electronical devices in your home and provide years of completely gratis tech support!

5. None, because it's finally cold enough outside that all of the nasty bugs who normally find me sweet meat for feastin' have flown south for the winter.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Day 6: One Question

The best idea I had for today's post was to ask other people what I should write about. I know. Brilliant, right? I immediatly tossed it out there to everyone I could reach at that very moment of blinding inspiration, so as to preserve the integrity of the question and keep it all special-like.

If you could ask me any one question, what would it be? (I reminded them I was looking for blog ideas, thus rendering certain lady-part topics off limits.)

Results:

1. Could you ever enjoy gambling?

2. What's for dinner? (it took me about three minutes to realize this was the question and not just our daily round of playing What's for dinner?)

3. When did you first discover you had the powers of a medium?

4. Did you really ask Ken on three dates before he asked you out?

5. How many bug bites do you have on your body right now, without looking?

Well? What do you think? Which one for tomorrow???

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Day 5: Thank God For Jane

In today's email, from Jane.

Subject line: You are my last hope...

Body: Really. No one else has even laughed. We just drove by a church... and on the lighted billboard, apparently to draw us into their church, it says: Try Jesus before you reject Him.

Is this not a two part instruction with a predetermined outcome?

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Day 4: First Installment of One Hundred Things About Me

This is something I'd sort of been planning to do eventually, creating ye olde traditonal One Hundred Things About Me list. Thank goodness for NaBloPoMo which includes Saturdays. Here are the first ten thrilling and amazing true facts about ME:

1. I have never broken a bone, gotten a concussion, had stitches, or seriously injured myself in any way. I'm careful and fairly well-coordinated.

2. I watch very little TV, in part because I don't know how to operate our television and its litter of six remotes.

3. I belong to a secret society of women called PBG. I'm not at liberty to disclose what the letters in the name stand for because if I did, then our security officer would have to kill you, but only after having her way with you.

4. I also belong to a small women's gang, but we are very polite and only use our formidable womanly powers for the sake of good. I am not making this up.

5. On our first date, I took Ken out to lunch. (Bill Knapp's)

6. On our second date, I also took Ken out to lunch. (Burger King)

7. On our third date, I took Ken out to lunch for what I promised myself would be the last time. (Arby's)

8. On our fourth date, he finally grew a pair and asked me out. He took me on a yacht cruise trip with his whole family for the entire day. (Canada)

9. I have never been drunk in my life. I've been tipsy, but not drunk, and never shit-faced.

10. My favorite snack food is popcorn. I'll take it fresh or day-old, with butter or without, etc. I'm not picky. ALL popcorn is good in my book.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Day 3: Self-Portrait Friday


I panicked, okay? I didn't have any good ideas for today and started feeling pressured and well, let's just say I'm not great under pressure. I tend to cave. Or I tend to slap a "self-portait" on the ol' blog and call it a post. I think in the actual blog world, like there really is such a thing, it's supposed to be Self-Portrait Tuesday, but I'm a rule breaker. No, I'm not. I just panicked. If I think of anything else to write, I'll add it later. Actually, I did have a great idea last night and then Liz stole it for her blog! And don't think I won't be mentioning it at the next family meeting, either.

This brings up another point I'd like to address, if only barely, which is why I've posted so infrequently lately. One reason is I've attracted a small following amongst kid-type readers, which was just fine when I didn't know about it. But then they started leaving comments... and emails... IM questions... and then started blogs of their own! So now I feel some responsibility to keep a clean-ish blog, watch my potty language and not reveal too much about the depraved lifestye I so thoroughly enjoy. My point is, I choked a bit, talked myself down off the ledge, and got over it. Most importantly though, I think it's fantastic if I had anything at all to do with inspiring kids to write more, especially those I didn't personally stand over threatening with bodily harm and/or loss of affection if they didn't get their homework done by bedtime.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Day 2: Maturity Test

The other day I was looking at Ken and not really listening, but I was making an effort to pretend I was. I looked like I was listening, and I often find that is plenty good enough for certain situations, especially when one is still reeling from learning 16 years into it that she has accidentally married a Constant Talker. I seriously had no idea about that. None. But anyway, he was saying something or another, no one really knows for sure, and I thought dang, Ken is kinda cute. It must be the shirt. He always looks good in blue... No, it's the brown leather shoes I've finally gotten him to wear with jeans instead of his dorky white tennies... and then it hit me! No. He's thinner. So I said "Honey, that's fascinating, whatever you were talking about... But have you lost some weight?" As Ken is the singularly least vain man on the planet besides my dad who probably still mows his grass in black dress socks and Bermuda shorts, Ken shrugged and said "I dunno" and continued on with his story, proof positive his values remain unchanged.

A day later Ken had lunch with the hands-down, most genuinely fabulous creature either one of us knows, a former co-worker of his named Marta. She is simply divine, darling. I was a bit suspicious he had a little crush on her until I met her myself, saw what all the fuss was about, and joined him. She's that good. So anyway, he had lunch with Marta and another woman whose name I can't recall but I'm sure she's just delightful in her own special way. When he got home he said he wasn't sure, maybe it was Marta, but someone else had also commented that he looked like he'd lost some weight. The next morning he got on the scale and you totally know where this is going don't you? He'd lost 10 pounds! Without trying, simply by living with me and sort of but not really doing my healthy steamed veggies and lean protein diet along with me, he accidentally lost TEN FRIGGING POUNDS, in spite of himself, in spite of the fact that he also still eats Tater Tots and Hamburger Helper and calls it Food.

I'm still sorting all of this out. On the plus side, I have a thinner husband I find more attractive than before, so that's good. Also, he's healthier, yadda yadda blah blah... He's smart or mature enough to know better than to brag about his weight loss, so that's good as it means we can continue to be married. On the down side, he only got on the scale after the fabulous Marta said something, not me. Although... he really wasn't sure if it was indeed she who had commented... I suppose I could take the high road and just be happy for him.

Or I could take the low road and rub it in to my former diet contest competitor, a man who had to work very hard to lose weight and has recently pissed me off so much he kind of deserves to know Ken's Oblivious Diet has seemingly removed all ten pounds from his tummy area. And we both know if Ken should even think about sit-ups or crunches (although I'm not sure how he could since he doesn't know what crunches are unless Fritos are involved) he's going to have those Matt Lauer abs someone else so desperately wants.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Day 1: NaBloPoMo

Hi there! Remember me? Your hostess? Yes! I'm baaaaaaack. Soon enough I'll get into all the details of where I've been, what I've been doing, and what it all means. Because honey, I am all about what it all means. The thing I'm delighted to share with you right now is NaBloPoMo, which is National Blog Posting Month. You are so excited!

NaBloPoMo is an online pact made with my imaginary blogging chums, that we will all post daily in November. Every. Day. Even on weekends!
So I'll be posting something on here every single darn day in November. It might be an actual written thing, like a story, an essay, a confession, a drunken confession, a dirty joke, a good recipe, interesting/adorable photos, or if you're really lucky, a dirty drunken confession essay with photos. There's no telling how desperate I'll get!

I'm looking forward to getting my shitty first drafts together and hitting the 'Publish Post' button a lot more often. After all, I started this thing so I would write more. Now this, this should get me writing more. I do feel the need to caution you somewhat and mention that perhaps the "quality" you are by now accustomed to enjoying here at Shelby's Mum might become just a wee tad tiny bit compromised, but only ever so slightly.

Like for example, take this paragraph right here, the one I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what it says because Emily keeps interrupting me every 8 seconds. These are just the kind of distractions I am going to learn how to recover from this month. The distractions are going to happen anyway and so I might as well make peace with them, right? Or does anyone know of a good Sleep Away Camp For Inquiring Children With Whiny-Ass Dogs And Talkative Fathers?

Yes, but it's very expensive? Okay, send me the brochure anyway. Until then... See you tomorrow!