Saturday, September 30, 2006

Chickenshit Parents

Lately it’s been a little more fireworks-y than usual around here with our darling Li’l Chica. The following is an excerpt from an IM chat I had with my fellow peace-loving, ‘fraidy-cat husband, with me in my 2nd floor office and him in his basement lair, I mean hovel, I mean office.

Lisa: Is her friend still here?

Kenny: dunno
Kenny: i told her to call for a ride
Kenny: she is your kid

Lisa: Uh.... WHAT????

Kenny: i knew you would like that
Kenny: you can't deny it ... she IS your kid
Kenny: ok, ok, she's mine, too
Kenny: i just don't want her yelling at me

Lisa: This is not good, baby doll.
Lisa: We are the BIG PEOPLE.
Lisa: We shouldn’t be afraid, but we are.
Lisa: Pretty soon she'll be sending us out to the corn field using only her mind.

Kenny: i hear yelling
Kenny: i'm not going up there
Kenny: yikes!
Kenny: i'll turn the radio up

Lisa: The title of this post will be: Chickenshit Parents.

Kenny: please don't associate my name with it -- i don't want to be the defendant in a future lawsuit by said parties

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Venturing Slighly Into TMI Territory

The diet I'm using is Zone based and is online at a wonderful site that I love dearly called My Food Diary. Basically I have to type in everything I eat and every minute of exercise, what kind, for how long and at what incline. There are no allowances for humidity and wind velocity, but there should be. Anyway... today for lunch I splurged and had McDonald's with my family. And yes, I realize how utterly pathetic that sounds and thanks for noticing. I had a Classic Grilled Chicken sandwich, which clocks in at a relatively decent 420 calories. Except I am smarter and more dedicated than the ordinary bear and I scraped off as much mayonaise as I could and then measured it. I saved myself 2.5 teaspoons of pure fat, and at 70 calories it was worth the time, effort, extra utensils I had to wash and the ridicule of my husband. A man who has never in his life ever been on a diet and should really be smarter than to make some of the comments he does. ANYway. I also tossed out the tomato slice too, because I'm not a fan and I figured if I don't really like it, then why bother. Why pay for something I don't want, right? A tomato slice is about 10 calories, so adding that to the scraped-off mayonaise, I've just saved myself a nifty 80 calories!

Now. The problem with My Food Diary, unless I am missing a feature, and if I am please let me know... is that it's not set up to accomodate subtractions like this. My Food Diary just assumes a person would always eat the whole thing, that is, whatever McDonald's wrapped up in cardboard and handed to me. Oh, contraire. Not this little red hen! No, no, no. I am going to take any calorie savings I can find. (Ken wishes I could get even one tenth this excited about saving nearly 20% off something I purchased with actual money. Cash savings, Lisa. Cash savings.) ANYWAY. I finally hit upon a genius solution. I decided to punch in some dummy exercise for myself, something that would equal the amount of calories I need to subtract, and call it Imaginary Exercise because it would be something that I'd never do. So I checked out what's available for credit and chose 180 minutes of sexual activity at "moderate effort" which just so happens to burn eighty calories even though it certainly seems like it would be a whole lot more, you know, especially depending on incline and wind velocity... Okay, I won't go into the intimate details of the most private part of my life, because this just isn't that kind of blog. But it is safe to say at this age, and having been married this long, to the same man, a man who would continue to make some of the bone-headed comments that he does, I'm safe with my 80 calorie Imaginary Only Exercise.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Utterly Charming:

That Ken has lived in an entirely female household for so long that he now refers to all undergarments, including his own, as "panties."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Curriculum Night

On Tuesday Ken and I attended curriculum night at the middle school. Due to certain oversights in baby spacing, we will have a child in middle school for six consecutive years with no overlap, the maximum sentence to parents of two children. Rookie mistake.

Middle school calls this event Capsule Night and it works by having parents attend a mini-version of their child’s school day. We travel around the building with schedules in hand, visiting each classroom for about 10 minutes, meeting the various teachers. As this is our 4th time attending Captive Night, I mean Capsule Night, we are old pros and don’t really anticipate surprises.

Ms. Stunning: Hi! Welcome! I’m Ms. Stunning, the nicest, most enthusiastic and amazing middle school teacher you’ve ever met or dreamed of. Who is your child?
Ken: Hi. I’m Ken Olson. I’m Emily’s dad and this is…
Ms. Stunning: Emily?
Ken: Uh, yeah. Emily Olson?
Ms. Stunning: Oh! You mean Jackie. You must be Jackie’s parents!
Lisa: Oh, god.
Ms. Stunning: You must be Jackie’s mom!
Lisa: Yes. I’m Lisa. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Ken: No. Emily Olson. We are Emily’s parents… and… she…
Ms. Stunning: Yes! Your daughter is really something.
Lisa: That’s our Jackie.
Ms. Stunning: Although, I believe she’s changed the spelling now to be J-a-c-q-u-i-e?
Lisa: Yes. She mentioned that.
Ken: WHAT?
Lisa: You know how teachers ask at the beginning of a new school year what each kid would like to be called?
Ken: Oh, god.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Twenty Four SEVEN

I enter the freshly rearranged living room with my coffee. I sit on the sofa, now in front of the window, look around and frown. Ken enters the room with his own cup and sits in a chair.

Me: This arrangement is not working. I don't like it at all.
Him: Oh, no?
Me: I have to make some changes.
Him: Damn. I knew this would happen sooner or later.
Me: Yep, it's just not comfortable like this.
Him: Okay. I guess now I can pursue that hot young cashier at Busch's.
Me: I mean the furniture arrangement, Ken.
Him: Oh.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Nothing Nice To Say?

All together now:

Then say nothing at all.

Monday, September 11, 2006

POLL: What is your greatest simple pleasure?

Now that my kids are back in school and I've recovered from celebrating that fact, I'm finding my way back to doing my blog. Although badly neglected, it has apparently survived and is still in working order. Having been away for a while, I realize how much I enjoy doing this thing. I think it almost qualifies as a simple pleasure of mine, a concept I've been pondering lately. I got the idea from Real Simple magazine, which I adore reading despite its gramatically incorrect title.

I've always enjoyed pestering people by asking them things I'm thinking about and then doing absolutely nothing with the feedback except thinking about it some more. Then one day not so long ago a miracle happened and I realized I could put my blog together with my annoying question habit and do an online poll! It will be almost as much fun as getting chocolate in my peanut butter, and with way fewer calories!

Doing a poll is also a clever way to get other people to write this post for me while I fiddle around with the non-simple bloggery settings, trying to learn how to put up additional photos, links and other features I want to add. Perhaps you noticed my new white uncluttered-by-dots template? I'm not really sure if I like it or just have to get used to it. Anyway, I'll keep messing around with it while you take the poll. It's fun! I think you'll like it! See what these kind people had to say...

What is your greatest simple pleasure?

Liz (14): "Riding the AATA bus standing up. It's fun because you move with the bus and fall forward when someone pulls the cord."

Emily (10): "Reading books under my grade level so I don't have to challenge myself, like a 4th grade adventure series. It's reading just for pleasure."

Reba (10): "Writing funny stuff and scripts of funny things."

Addie (10): "Drawing to express myself emotionally."

Amber (grownup): "A sweet romantic kiss, because of its simplicity, the sentiment between two people, no words required, pure physically expressed emotion."

Ken: "Having my back scratched."

Lisa: "Wind. I love every kind, from the soft caress of a gentle breeze to the excitement of severe weather winds. I like the sound, how it looks, how it feels and the promise of change that it brings." (Cute how I pretend I told myself all this, huh?)

John: "Rolling the dice in Vegas. It's exciting and I haven't really lost money doing it yet, so that's a nice bonus."

Allyson: "Mochas and reading. Mochas are a guilt-free indulgence and reading is a quick holiday when I need one."

Bill: "Bacon."

Joan: "Reading the Sunday New York times with a cup of mocha, preferably outside on my deck with my darling across from me."

What's yours???