Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Things Only A Mother Would Say

"Get your feet off my painting right now." Said to the child lolling on the sofa, rubbing her feet on my dead grandmother's painting which is now mine. A sentimental family heirloom. Rubbing it. With her feet.

"Don't get jelly on the dog!" Said to the child quickly throwing together a sandwich with such wild & carefree abandon she was sending large globs of grape jelly flying around the kitchen. Guess who?

"Who the hell melted my skinny cows?!" Said to the household population at large. Okay, yelled. With derision. It could have been any one of them. The kids are jealous I have them in the first place, and Ken has also exhibited marked hostility towards my only diet dessert item because they cost $4. Now they are all misshapen and the texture is totally screwed up.

And still I carry on. Because I love.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Just When You Thought I Was So Sensible

After years of sideways glancing at the idea and then not doing anything about it, I've finally decided to go on a diet and lose weight. For real. I know, you are very excited and thrilled for me and are getting prepared to email with all sorts of supportive blatherings. I encourage you do so because I adore that kind of thing. But hang on, there's more. The stupid part. It's a contest.

I bet you are rolling your eyes heavenward and thinking oh Lisa how could you? You are remembering everything Oprah has said on the subject and thinking how this is soooo not the way to go. I would caution you to just wait a darn minute and hear the rest, because it gets even worse. I have to lose a certain number of pounds in a certain chunk of time. Yes! And it's a fairly aggressive goal, too. But wait! There's more! A cash penalty!!

If I should fail, I have agreed to fork over $1000. I know! Insane, isn't it? Pure lunacy. But here's the good part, the part you are forgetting about, getting all upset the way you are... The other contestants are in the same exact boat as me. They will have to pay up a thousand clams* if they fail to lose their fairly aggessive poundage goals also. I am going to lose weight, people, and I'm going to get paid to do it!

* this is just a slang term for US currency, not yummy deep fried clams which are golden brown & crispy-crunchy delicious and starting to haunt my dreams.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Latest PBG Attempts

1. Please Be Good

2. Plastic Bitches Guild*

Personally, I enjoy the gentle sweetness and helpful nature of the first one, but it is unfortunately not the winner. I'm so sorry. Thanks for playing. The second attempt is also incorrect.

*Security Officer Lexi? You're on this one, right?