Tuesday, September 27, 2005

A Very Bad Day

Just so you know… The swear words blocker is officially turned off now. That means I’m going to start swearing like a sailor when I feel like it, so deal. If you are of a delicate constitution, and cannot tolerate a well-placed curse word, then I suggest you go elsewhere. Capise? Also, since my kids have taken a look at the site, have seen that it’s lame and uninteresting, they won’t be hanging around here anymore. Ironically, now it’s going to get a lot more interesting...

Yesterday was a bad day. I’m usually loath to say that, to condemn the rest of a day during that day, but now that it’s over and with the benefit of hindsight, yeah, I’m cool saying yesterday was A Bad Day. I’ve been generally miserable for the last week or so and yesterday bit it big time. I tried, I really did, or I thought I did. I made some pathetic attempts at doing Things To Feel Better and they all reversed and bit me in the ass.

1. Yesterday I tried sleeping in a little, thinking that would help. It did not help. It just made the morning more chaotic, what was left of it by the time I got up. This is, of course, because all the same shit had to get done, just with less time. When just barely awake, it did sound like a good idea though, so I can see how I fell for my own “logic” on this one.

2. I tried talking with a friend. That did not work at all. Really what I needed was some sympathy, but since I was on a downward spiral anyhow, I went to a not-so-sympathetic person. Our conversation quickly became a debate, which would normally be fine because I enjoy that kind of thing. But I forgot this person will do anything to win, including going into forbidden territory, but only to mock me about it. And so now Ye Shall Be Punished. That means I’m not talking to you for A Long Time, which is likely to be 3-4 days. This serves three purposes. First, it punishes you, in my mind anyway. Second, it keeps me from making the same mistake, which is talking to you when I don’t have all my emotional shit together. Third, hopefully it gives me time to get out of my funk so I can think more clearly and do better in the next debate.

3. I didn’t leave the house. Like sleeping in, this always seems like a good idea at the time too, but resoundingly, overwhelmingly it never is. I didn’t see any humans other than my family and dog. They are all wonderful, and they tried to cheer me up or at least not make things worse. (see above) They succeeded, and I have to say working on my daughter’s Ojibwa book report with her was the highlight of my day. If you have kids, I’m sure you can see the perspective in that, right?

4. Since I was on a roll, and to be even more self-destructive, I ate terrible food yesterday. I drank only coffee, nothing else. Actually, I didn’t feel too bad physically, but I know this is so not good for me. And I didn’t realize I’d done it until late last night when it was too late. What was I going to do then? Steam up some green beans as a late night snack? When the Funyuns are sitting right there? (Okay, I lied. I didn’t have any Funyuns. I just thought it would be funnier than admitting I had some Ritz crackers. See? Funyuns = funnier)

5. I didn’t go for a walk with Ken. We go just about every evening. I thought about it, and then didn’t ask him. He’s still a little under the weather, but like Shelby, he will almost always go for a walk. So I missed out on connecting with him, having his undivided attention for 30 minutes away from the kids, getting some exercise, and leaving the damn house. Score bonus points for this one!

5. I stayed up too late. I kept trying to find something good in that damn day yesterday, to validate its existence, to resurrect it, to make it count for something. But it didn’t. It sucked all the way around. But I kept thinking… Maybe if I just write about it? Maybe if I make something look prettier? Maybe if I read something funny? Maybe if I troll the internet for another hour? Um, no. Sometimes giving up is the best thing one can do.

I don’t know how to wrap this up, other than to thank you if you’ve read this far. I feel better writing it all down, I really do. And so far today has been better.

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