Sunday, March 29, 2009

Holy Shit

1. I still know how to sign into this blog? Dayyyamn. It must be a sign.

2. I only wrote one post in 2008? Cool. I'm already ahead for 2009!

3. I miss writing.

4. I might not be funny.

5. It doesn't matter since I'm pretty sure I've shaken any last lingering readers anyway.

6. I need to make some serious changes in my life.

7. I'm ready.

8. I need to write about it.

9. Baby steps. Make blog changes & updates, which is actually fun.

10. Can't think of a ten. Why do lists always need to be neat & end at ten anyway? Screw that.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Tardy Note

To Whom it may concern at Clague:

Please excuse Emily's tardiness. She is still not feeling 100% and had difficulty getting motivated this morning.

Thank you,
Lisa Olson

What it should have said:

Dear office person at Clague whom I suspect never reads these notes anyway, so I might as well just tell the truth:

Please excuse Emily's tardiness this morning. She's only about 10 minutes late, and to be honest, we should be happy that's all it is. First thing, right off the bat this morning, she didn't want to get up and threatened to yell at her mother. I know. Yelling! At her mother. And we all know her mother has a veeeeery tricky time dealing with yellers. Yelling is basically a deal breaker for her in any other relationship, except what is she to do when it's her daughter, pray tell? Although, to be fair, her mother also appreciates the delicious irony of the sitation and willingly subscribes to the theory that the best teacher, the one she really needs, is always the person standing right there in front of her. The person yelling, in this case.

Anyhoo... Once Emily finally did roll out of bed, while her mother was sitting happily in the living room with a cup of coffee, watching the sunrise in peace, she took a quick survey of her room and decided she had absolutely nothing to wear. Then, a miracle happened. Emily spent the next 20 minutes gathering up all of the dirty clothes from her floor, stuffed them into her laundry hamper and hauled the whole thing down to the laundry room. Upon returning to her much less chaotic room, she was then able to assemble the most darling ensemble which includes her black Lucy Buddha shirt, black leggings, a denim mini skirt and black suede boots. Oh, and one of those very long skinny striped scarves tossed over the whole thing. Anyone looking at her today would agree the effort was well worth it...

Then Emily came downstairs and made herself a bowl of cereal and to be a pet, she also warmed up the spa herbal neck wrap thingy in the microwave. Thereupon she joined her mother in the living room, presented her with the neck wrap and they finished watching the sunrise together while Emily ate her cereal. All of this, lovely as it sounds, takes time my friend. Therefore Miss Emily has arrived at school today, tardy, by about 10 minutes, as I believe I might have mentioned earlier.

I have no idea if you'd agree the time was well spent, but that really isn't your decision, is it? In any case, Emily's mother really doesn't give a rodent's fanny if you excuse her or not, but she appreciates the enormous task you have before you and acknowledges the disruption Emily is likely to cause as she enters her first hour class a few minutes late. Especially when the other girls get a load of her totally excellent outfit.

Fondest regards to you and all of your co-horts at Clague.

Big smooches,

Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Truth

Ken: Looks like David's home. [neighbor drives up]
Lisa: That's nice.
Ken: Maybe I should go outside...
Lisa: Okay.
Ken: ...and pretend to do yard work.
Lisa: Because you want to stand in the yard and talk to David?
Ken: Yes! And there's a storm coming.
Lisa: And you really want to talk about the storm. With David. In the yard.
Ken: Yes!
Lisa: I love it when you tell the truth.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Three Things I Learned Today:

1. Kid boogers left to dry on the wall long enough will not come off using common household cleaning products and/or methods. I tried misting with water. I tried soaking. I tried spray cleaner. I tried scrubbing with a cloth and then a sponge. I tried Soft Scrub. I tried rubbing really hard, too hard in fact, until the paint was starting to fade. Nope. Still there. Tomorrow I'll try: plastic scrubby sponge, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, and a belt sander, in that order.

2. Ironing napkins, pillowcases and the folded-over flappy part of top sheets (I only iron the parts that show) with Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day Ironing Spray, Lavender scent, is a delightfully pleasant experience. In related news, I'm conducting a poorly funded & very unscientific study to see if Ken's shirts ironed with lavender will aromatherapeutically make him more calm and relaxed on the days he wears them. More on this later...

3. After nearly seventeen years of marriage, Ken still has the ability to surprise me. Sure, it's few and far between, and not really all that exciting, but still. This evening he revealed that he has never tasted pinenuts, not once in his life. This is despite the fact I throw fiscal responsibility to the wind and squander six bucks on whole boxes of them quite regularly. It's not for lack of availability. It's because he doesn't like the name. The word "pinenut" makes him think of "pine trees" which begets the "scent of pine" which he also doesn't like. Therefore he refuses to try pinenuts, USING THE SAME LOGIC THAT DIDN'T WORK IN THE MUENSTER CHEESE FIASCO OF 1993.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

From Today's Email

The timing of this email landing in your inbox today, at this very moment, could be Divine timing.Today may be the day for you to listen to the calling from your soul. Today you could decide to reconnect with your deeper spiritual energies. Today you have an opportunity to rediscover your connection to the Divine.

Wow! And I thought I was just going to the mall...

Wait, duh! It's totally going to happen at the mall? I knew it! I knew there were good things at the mall if I just went there often enough!

Or maybe this is about my deep spiritual connection to blogging. Yeah, I bet that's it... It's been a month. Dang. Why didn't anybody say anything? Eh, doesn't matter. The Divine's got it covered. I'm baaaaaack. :o)

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Again With The Car

Emily: Why's it gotta be so cold?

Lisa: See, honey, the earth is tilted...

Emily: No, mom.... Not that! Why's it gotta be so cold in the car?

Lisa: As I was saying, first ya got the earth being tilted...

Emily: No! In the car. It's because the cold heat is blowing colder heat in here!

Lisa: And you don't like my explanation?

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Our Best Conversations Always Happen In The Car

Driving out of our neighborhood & through the next one....

Emily: Does Lexi still live over here? In the brown house?

Lisa: Yep. She lives here with her husband and her son.

Emily: She's married? Who is she married to?

Lisa: Her husband, Mr. B. You might not know him.

Emily: Hmmm. What does he look like?

Lisa: He's has a lot of silver hair. He wears glasses & drives a red car. He looks a little like Grandpa.

Emily: Oh. Is he older than her?

Lisa: Well, yes... she's a little older than me and he's around 20 or so years older than her, so... yeah.

Emily: Wow. That's so cool. She's a trophy wife!

Lisa: Please can I blog this?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Wherein We Have Yet Another Very Important Conversation Via IM Chat

Lisa: Do you know what Hang Time means?

Ken: no

[is compelled to look it up]

Ken: The amount of time a person floats in the air. It is usually used in reference to basketball players.
Ken: am i right?

Lisa: Oh, I still don't know.
Lisa: I just had my tea leaves read on the Tazo tea site, but first I had to answer a few questions. One of them was for my hang time.
Lisa: ??????

Ken: my laptop is nice and warm

Lisa: That's nice, honey.

Ken: it's also the length of time a fart smell lingers

Lisa: Can I blog that?

Ken: and it's what they called the sentencing of Saddam

Lisa: Blog?

Ken: wearing a pocket watch as a necklace?

Lisa: I'm blogging it.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Emotional Intelligence Genius, Humbly At Your Service

You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
Yes. It's true. According to the Internet, so you know it's true, I'm an Emotional Intelligence Genius with an enviable score of 147. Check out the quiz and let me know how you did. But only if you feel like sharing. Perhaps consider it. But please do not for one minute feel that I expect anything of you. If sharing your score doesn't seem right for you, then I totally understand. In fact, taking the quiz in the first place is really only a suggetion. There are no wrong answers. Take care. Unless you are really into self-destruction/mutilation. In that case, I hope that goes well for you too.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Rockin' Mom

"You rock, mom."

"I what?"

"You're rockin'."

"Oh. I... what?"

"You're rockin' my childhood."

"Okay, what does that mean?"

"It means I like you, mom."

"I understand that. Good! I like you too, honey."

"Yeah, you're really making my childhood fun."

"Glad you're enjoying it."

Monday, December 18, 2006

A Born Smartass And We Couldn't Be More Proud

Lisa: Huh?
Liz: Uh huh.
Lisa: What?
Liz: Okay!
Lisa: What did you say?
Liz: Uh huh.
Lisa: Wait, I mean I didn't hear the first thing you said.
Liz: Seven.
Lisa: WHAT???
Liz: Purple.
Lisa: Ohhhhh... I get it! You're messing with me.
Liz: 42.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Sisterly Love: Part #498

"I loth you."

"You what?"

"I loathe you."


"It means I hate you. I'm trying to expand my vocabulary and thanks to my language arts teacher... I loathe you."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Wherein I Lose Patience And Go Off On A Wild Monkey Tangent

Em: You have to give me $3 for lunch. My account is empty and I already owe $6.

Lisa: I added $50 to your account yesterday morning. It's fine.

Em: No! No, it isn't fine! I already owe $6!

Lisa: Honey, the $6 debt will be paid out of the $50 I put in. It's fine.

Em: But you did it yesterday! I won't have any lunch today! Or tomorrow!

Lisa: Yes, you will. I added $50; you have plenty of lunch money.

Em: No! You don't understaaaaaaaand! It takes three days for them to add it in!

Lisa: I did it on the computer. It's fine.

Em: No! I'm telling you! It takes THREE DAYS for them to add it in!

Lisa: Emily. The system is computerized. It does not take three days.


Lisa: Emily, there is no point in having the system be computerized if it still takes three days.


Lisa: [end of patience] I'll call the school and find out for sure, okay? But three days? Monkeys could do it faster!

Em: Tree monkeys?

Lisa: Those quick little ones with the tiny hands? Sure. Yes! Tree monkeys could do it faster. Big, slow, old, retired monkeys could do it faster. Gorillas, orangutans, and chimpanzees. They could do it faster. Blind monkeys. Any kind of monkeys, they could all do it faster than three days.

Em: No, I said trained monkeys. Could trained monkeys do it faster?

Lisa: Yes! Definitely. Asleep monkeys could still do it faster.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Sunday: Post Secret Day

Every Sunday, my little ritual (well, one of them, right after thanking sweet baby Jesus for everything good in my life) is to check out the secrets newly posted on Post Secret. Do you freakin' know about this? NO? Go. There. Now. You must!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Bright Side

Em: Ohhhh.... Uggggh.... It huuuurts.

Lisa: I know, honey. The medicine hasn't kicked in yet.

Em: I'm looking forward to the next half hour of moaning and groaning.

Lisa: Looking forward to it?

Em: Yep. It's the highlight of my day.

Pro-Choice On Delilah

From the latest Rolling Stone magazine, Tracy Morgan has a theory that there are two kinds of women in the world: Delilahs and not-Delilahs, women that give you strength and that take your strength.

This of course got me thinking about which type I am. Answer: I can go either way. It really comes down to what mood I'm in and how many ignorant/insulting/insensitive/invalidating things he's said lately.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Honestly, If You Knew What Was Going On Around Here And How Busy I Am Hand-holding, You'd Be Less Upset About Infrequent Posts.

Twenty more fascinating facts about me:

21. If I changed my first name, I'd change it to Sallie. Or Charlotte. Or Isabel.

22. I own only one pair of high heels, in red silk.

23. I knew I was going to marry Ken the first time I met him.

24. My favorite animal is the giant tortoise.

25. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, reptiles, rodents, snakes, or other creepy crawly-types. (but my husband is, so it works out.)

26. Sometimes I create character amalgams for my blog. Like HND, for example. He's a character based on 6 neighborhood guys I found very attractive, but also not. It turns out they are just really good dads, a trait I find attractive.*

27. I meditate every day, for about 20 minutes.

28. I read somewhere years ago that Bill Cosby's kid's names all begin with the letter E, for excellence. I really liked that idea & named my kids Elisabeth and Emily.

29. I do not have a sordid past. I'm neither proud of that fact nor do I regret it.

30. My feet are completely flat and always have been.

31. I only have 24 teeth, having lost many in bar fights. That last part is a lie.

32. I often apologize, but usually it's to make myself feel better, not the other person. But if the other person thinks it's for them, then that's nice too.

33. I knew I would be bff with Amber the first time I met her.

34. I knew I'd be bff with Joannie the first time I met her, too.

35. I raced quarter midget race cars for 8 years when I was a kid.

36. I've only recently learned to trust my own intuition. It has never failed me and the more I listen to it, the more it has to say.

37. I have tended to "hang in there" far too long with bad situations, bad friendships, bad jobs, etc. hoping things would get better. Now I'm learning it's better to know when to walk away, and then do it.

38. I love getting older and wiser, especially the wiser part.

39. I was a very neat & tidy child. As an adult I'm much more relaxed and like to say "I keep house casually."

40. I prefer to either buy books or speed-read them at the bookstore as I find libraries very depressing.

* None of the 6 HND inspirations live on Richmond Ct. or read this blog. That is not to say you aren't a lovely person and/or a very good father.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Day 30: No Mo NaBloPoMo!

This is it, the last day of NaBloPoMo! I have to admit, I kind of liked doing it. I felt like I had to, like I owed it to M. Kennedy and everyone else sweating it out, doing their daily blogging. Did I mention when I started this there would be prizes? Oh, yes! Fabulous prizes! There are about 9000 bloggers and something like 28 prizes, but fingers crossed y'all! I could win something!

When I made a commitment to daily blogging, I also made a list of ideas, possible topics, other things I could do, etc. I even bought a book of 100 suggestions for what to write about on a blog, although I never actually resorted to using it. The one thing I'd planned but didn't get around to writing about was HND, the Hot Neighborhood Dad. Or, as a miscreant friend of mine refers to him as, FILF. I think to celebrate the end of this month, it's high time I tell you who he is. So I will. Tomorrow, December 1st, when I start Holidailies, the December-into-January version of what I just finished doing. Because it never ends.